I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
