2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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