I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
