homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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