He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
