The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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