I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
