K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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