i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
