so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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