just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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