Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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