Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
