I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
