I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
