I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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