my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
