Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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