Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
