we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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