If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
