Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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