After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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