dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
