I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you made out with another girl for some wings
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
