The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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