No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
