Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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