I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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