Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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