im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the day after is always just damage control
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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