just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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