I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
