Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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