I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
