Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
