Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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