just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize