I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
