i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
did you just send me my own nude
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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