What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
