I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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