tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
