I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
