my phone needs a breathalizer
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
