dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I touched a dick in church today
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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