Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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