my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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