I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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