just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
