I am in a vortex of obligation.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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