Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
