i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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