he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
