the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize