I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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