I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
