do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
