dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize