I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
