I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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