I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
