my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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