Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
